Meltdown to Magnificent.. In the beginning...Tho must Feng Shui thyself

 "If real is what you can feel, smell, taste and see, then 'real' is simply electrical signals interpreted by your brain "
" I didn't say it would be easy, Neo. I just said it would be the truth."
We've survived by hiding from them, by running from them. But they are the gatekeepers. They are guarding all the doors, they are holding all the keys. Which means that sooner or later, someone is going to have to fight them. 
I stand here without fear because I remember. I remember that I am here not because of the path that lies before me but because of the path that lies behind me.  
Morpheus

In the beginning we were all created with the same nervous system that functions to this day in the same way. Lets start there.

Now this same nervous system has as its communication system  the liquid the goo of all our thoughts inner, outer and yes the thoughts of those around us or energetically picking up on the signal, our transmitters, our radio station.. FM 100 ME.

So now with that in mind, LOL and throughout our entire body and being are these embedded karmic emotions both known and unknown to us on a conscious and sub conscious level. Lets say many of us know this. True. But to know is one thing and to change this process or rather to upgrade YOU is another story.

Ok. So here is the true story above about the science factors. Now for the not yet known , which are getting proven everyday to be the real determinants of our karma. Consider we are here as image makers, creators. And in this creation every single cell in our body has all information.When we create these children within us, we give it human parentage.I used to think of them as children, my children I created, but some of these kids within us grow up and get pretty pesky, loud and inner speak violence at times.

So , since I AM, and have always been a solution based person I came up with some techniques that will sure fire, right as rain take you from meltdown to magnificent. 

Think of your life as a set of icons on your life computer. Everything you do and others in your life click on these icons. They trigger and run the program . That is when you realize you are out of control. They have pushed your buttons, your ICONS and run the program without your consent in your body.   "Oh no you didnt go there" ahahh. 
So if you have ever experienced this take heart it can change. It will take some effort on your part. Make yourself the priority. 

Start here: You must understand from the depths of you that you will need to go down the rabbit hole. I mean deep down. Never ever go down without a lifeline. You may get stuck in all your crap and never come out. That is why people have anxiety attacks. 

Process: The lifeline is to take responsibility for all your shit. I mean all of it. Until you do you are the porta potty. You own it you created it, these are your kids, grown , not grown, nasty mean thoughts kids, viciousness adult kids, autistic kids, sociopath kids and adults you gave human parentage too   Yes you got them all. So accept and forgive yourself. I mean not like a victim thing. You must be open to receive this . You will get to love this process just this part is an ouchy. Yes you sweet creator time to recreate.

Next face your I am sorry ass to a mirror and say to yourself, I LOVE YOU, I AM SORRY, PLEASE FORGIVE ME AND THANK YOU.  What that will do is to open you to receive Love of yourself ( you will need this big time), forgiveness for yourself, "I am sorry" will allow you to take responsibility for this, and last and most important GRATITUDE. The word gratitude is grace . It represents the grace of God. It releases you from human bondage because for the first time you are no longer a victim. You are grateful which magnetizes goodness, it transmits good frequency and allows you to receive higher more productive frequencies.You can also find an old picture of yourself and say this that works too.

Then you become the landlord of your home, your body mind. You have been the manager all along and did not even know it. This is your damn house and anybody, any energies that you allowed to live there within you are living there rent free inside you sucking you up. 
SOOOOOOOOOO like any good landlord of the slums.. EVICT THEM. Hand each and everyone you got, you can find, you can think of or have blamed for screwing up your life and give them a notice. 24 hr , 72 whatever you think you need. 

You then become the inner sheriff and enforce this. 
THIS IS VITAL: When ever you evict you must replace or a void is created that is set up with the same frequencies to attract all over gain. You will get the same type of inner slum tenant living within back unless you are fully aware of this.
The eviction notice must be kind, You are here in violation of keeping me form getting rich etc etc. you are here in violation for my being fat your are here......you get the picture. . 

Now you must stop being a slum landlord and get better quality tenants. That will take work and  time but since you are the leasing manager of your life and you created the space they live in at least have some respect for the good they provided. There is always good. There is always benefit whether you see it now or later. 

Take for example the wife whose husband left her unexpectedly. She is and has been perilously angry, degraded. So she determines to get a makeover figuratively. She becomes so beautiful and that ex drove her to push herself further. To go back to school, to become all the things he thought she was not. Amazing. See know you are grateful for the son of a bitch and maybe you are not even calling him names.

Then you can practice every night with all your days events demagnetizing the ones you have that day. Change the story of how it happened. Every day you must do this before you rest. This stops you from creating naughty feelings and thoughts even if you have had a bad day. You see that bad day creates too and will attract more for your porta potty if you do not handle it like this. It attracts the frequencies like itself.

Lastly and most important as well, hug yourself. I mean hug yourself. Not others hugging you, hug yourself. Pat your self on the back, on the ass whatever you feel makes you feel rewarded. Do something good for yourself everyday just for the effort you are putting forth. Take a long hot bath. 
Then blank out. I mean go see a movie, a play, the opera, hiking , a concert. Do something fun. Or just lay in your PJ's loving yourself in your new home you created.

You are basically cleaning up your neuro network, resetting the secretions for optimum life function. Or to put in Feng Shui terms you are allowing chi to flow within, you are Feng shuing yourself. From ghetto to great. Yes baby it works. 

Next I will write about what you must do to ADD or subtract such as friends, jobs, situations and close their account to your emotional bank. Face it many of us have friends  or associate's that overdrafts us in one way or another. To them you will put them on notice of an overdraft. Since you set the rules to your life bank you can close their account up permanently or they will need to keep their account in your life in good standing. 

I have also found Nalalie Ledwel, Rikka Zimmerman, Neville Goddard and especially John Dupuy brainwave technology to make this process faster and very effective. Do check them out . Meditation is key to calming your mind, the monkey mind. 

John Dupuy of IAwake technologies will send you a free brain wave download to make the process easier. John said and I quote " The more coherent your entire system, the easier it is to cut through mental and emotional chaos. It can be like having your whole energetic system focused like a laser beam. The highly coherent biofield signals create a field that naturally attracts higher order and complexity out of chaos. " Meditation practice is like an emotional and spiritual roto-rooter."
"http://www.profoundmeditationprogram.com/


I will write more about this but start here. 

MADHATTERS

Is there a Mad Hatter in your life?

The Mad hatters, we have all met them, lived with them, worked with them and just want to get away from them. You know the ones that distract you from your life. It’s like they do not have a real life of their own. “Look at me, pay attention to me types.” Infested with the Narcissistic virus “you are now captured, clinging like the dingle berry. Good grief, it has got to stop. 

How to recognize if you have one or several of these wacko bunnies messing with you in your enviromenet. The signs are all around. You are normally punctual, they make you late. You pay your bills on time, they don't  They lie, make excuses and smear your life. Just what the hell is wrong with this picture? But you can’t quite put your finger on it. Like a bad meal that upsets your stomach but you cannot remember what you ate that did it. That is Mad-Hatter

The Mad-hatters Types

The micro managing boss that looks for the spec of evidence on your desk that you were not giving every minute of your breathing to work there LOL. Oh please explain to me why you took such a long potty break? Years ago I came real close to describing just why I had the runs every time I looked at my micro boss and how they could benefit the world and flush themselves down the toilet.  

Or the boyfriend who drags you down the rabbit hole so many times you’re like on this frickin roller coaster up and down emotionally, sexually and spiritually. That was fun at first. Then you wake up feeling addicted to them. This one is the tricky one to get away from. They are sooo good at “THAT” you wish they could just keep their mouth shut while you are in the delight of the act. Or better yet offer them a sock. I did once. I said “baby you know I am a little kinky, how about I put a sock in your mouth that really excites me” ahah the idiot bought it. !!!

Let’s not miss the one child who causes so much drama in your life you wonder if you had remembered to change their poopy diapers when they were babies. This is a rough one as there are so many questions you ask yourself. You beat your sweet brain delving like hawks fishing in the ocean “why, what did I do that they are pulling my mommy strings? Why me? Why don’t they push someone else’s strings?

You try to point just what the hell is wrong with the picture but can’t quite put your finger on it. This one is best handled like I did. Say in as pleasant a voice (yes I know you want to tell them off but don’t) say “honey in all fairness to my other children, yes I have other children remember your other brothers and sisters I cannot devote my entire life paying attention to mostly you,” that is not fair , I have other kids too . That line works pretty good.

Or the drama roommate. I call them affectionately “Draino.”The kind that manipulates you. They are infested with the Narcissistic virus and every moment of your waking life is to serve >>> them. Yes they ask you for advice. You offer, they totally ignore what you said. When it comes to paying the bills you are politely texting, calling trying to be responsible and they pull you down the rabbit hole. You’re like “ Wow do I need to help you be an adult?”

Be careful this is a nasty Mad Hatter. Difficult to get rid of but you have to. They force you to smudge your house and yourself over and over . They appear as Mad hatters but they are MAD HATERS. The victim lack of gratitude stench is all over them.  The world owes them. You just happen to be their world at the moment.  You have to transition these types out of your life. You can’t just get rid of them they are karma Carpet Baggers. In no way would I recommend doing the Madam Dufarge from the Tale of two Cities  “Guillotine , guillotine  off with their  heads . This will just bring another in your life. The best way to fight their virus is gratitude. Say thank you, I appreciate the karmic lesson. Or better yet pray for their happiness “away from you.”  Chant that they find their perfect roommate that is happy to eat their needy soup. You do not want another bowl. No thank you.

I am fortunate enough to have a new roommate now that brings her big girl panties with her. Yippie  

My King Arthur and I did this ping pong thing at first. I must confess I was so busy I really could not answer his calls some times. I would actually disconnect my phone. OR blow heavily into it like there was static. Shit, one time I actually carried a paper bag and crunched it as we were speaking on the cell. “Honey I can’t hear you. Baby what did you say?” Hahah I can be such an eccentric independent bitch to a fault. He is just a passionate guy. I said once that the only thing I wanted clinging to me is my panties. He actually saw through all my crap and said to me point blank” Mama, you can plug your cell phone up your ass to make sure it is charged from now on.” Opps busted. He is now my forever bunny honey.

Good luck with all this.

The Prize Fighter

Hurt? Be the Prize fighter


Have you thought that right after a break up, a divorce, an abandoned situation or a he/she just left me for no reason how vulnerable that makes you?
Thinking or maybe not, acting out is more likely what will happen next. How not to be rebound food. 

So you have been dumped, lost your love, your job or whatever then what happens next?

Something very vital must happen if you are to heal and heal sufficiently. To not rebound or take your drama baggage frequency and create another relationship like the one you had means being good to yourself now more than ever. It starts with an understanding that your are now in the ring . You must fight to get up, fight to make it work, fight to keep up your pretend for now self esteem in tact.

The Prize fighter spends all his/her life training and after a win or loss gathers themselves up and does it again . You are the same, no need to throw yourself under the buss. Trust me there will be others who with very little motivation are happy to oblige you. Start your new life with your middle finger waiting for them. 

Most important of all these things  is you must be kind to yourself, and not blaming yourself or judging that will keep you out of the victim triangle. Another vital survival tool is to respect time. You will recover, you were born without this person and you survived just fine before they were in your life. 

Expectations: Don't expect to get in the ring and win the first fight. That will take time. But by all means do get in the ring. Drop..Stop and drop you are not ready to win the fight you may get knocked out after a few rounds. But do get in the ring. You may only go a few rounds. be your corner manager, know when to ring the bell. retreat and fight again. You can do it. I promise

Now you can and must  become your own hero.

SPIRITUAL PROCTOLOGY 101- Clear the path

The Fuse Box

I was baffled. I could not figure out or see how significant the event was when my fuse box in my car got wet and it caused all kinds of car problems. There I stood in the rain getting soaked and wet in the windy Oregon coast removing the black cable from my car battery hopeful with the slim chance my car would start later. Now I understand when they say “ all is perfect and is as it should be.” At that time it sure did not feel like it. I came from a warm climate and was now freezing my ass at the beautiful coast. Why? Well I love my children they are here and I am so happy to be closer to them than 2000 miles away. Resolved not to give in to victim mentality I embraced the I can do this,  there is a reason , a good one I just do not know what it is yet. 

We call an event like this in Buddhism conspicuous and inconspicuous. That which is revealed now for your benefit and that which is revealed later, when it’s the right time.

For years I have studied with the masters, from the masters and the life of the masters, mentors, teachers from all walks of life. The Secret, the Hunna's. Well read in metaphysics, wealth consciousness, quantum physics scholar. That is good. However, nothing satisfied my thirst for answers until now. Not even the flowery, feel gooders in denial. You know the type, the Mr. Magoo type. I found them wasteful literally full of waste and trying to smell pretty using cute new age words. It stunk.

There are two mentors in my life which for two different reasons had a significant impact on my life. It changed me, right away with what they taught me.

One was Neville Goddard; his wisdom helped to create many mentors all over the world who achieved a higher life condition. Some of these mentors are from the movie The Secret and millions of others who have become successful. You can Google him .

The other is my friend the Grizzly who took me in when I was homeless. Grizzly taught me that regardless of how I felt about a situation I was going to arrive, get there anyway. So his wise words were since you are going to get there anyway may as well get there not stressed.

It is clear there is an  answer for everyone about everything for health, happiness, wealth. Yes I said everyone!!

Now that you read that how does that make you feel? Are you shocked? Do you think this is bullshit? Do you believe there are answers for your problem? Hell yes there are. . 

Here I give you the answers to life's most pressing issues, YOUR LIFE ANSWERS. Here is the recipe, unlike any recipe you have ever cooked; you are now cooking up an answer, a solution.

Ingredients: be present, be conscience, stick the denial in a drawer or up your patonka for a minute OK?

Take a problem, a worry, a concern, anything that you feel is pressing in your life,   in EFT emotional release technique it is called the MPI most pressing problem. Ok got stress about a problem an issue is it weight loss, lack of self esteem, financial safety? Good. Hold on to your hats honey.

Now know this: Every problem originated somewhere right? It had to have a beginning otherwise it is a dilemma, not a problem. A problem, an obstacle is a series of dilemmas, failed actions failed behaviors to correct the problem. For God’s sake something had to happen to create it.  

 Now I am going to show you how to get rid of it right now? And you of course you say" How do I do that" Or you tell me to go to hell, or whatever. Basically saying in a possessive way, YOU KNOW WHAT< THIS IS MY PROBLEM NOT YOURS OK? My answer to that is you have just accepted your problem, taken ownership of it and intensified your reasons for keeping it. Good luck with that.

Why have I taken you here so far? Simple

Within every problem is the solution, yes I said that. Look at Spontaneous healing . This confirms that years of disease or anything else can be removed instantly. Instantly because the cure was within the disease. Finally this phenomena confirms when a out of the clear blue sky a dying person or a supposedly dead person revives and comes back healthy and better than before. 

What amazes me is that this person had to suffer or actually die before they got it. Everything, absolutely everything that is to your well being is given to you. It all ready is there for you. God, the Universe, the Buddha (you) has provided it for you. One more time dear- Within the problem is the solution. But and a big BUTT why do you not see it, feel it, remove the stress or obstacle? Simple .. you are not open to receive.

If you have hurt or pain over a passing of a loved one are you open to receive what could stop your hurt or pain? If I gave you the solution to weight loss would you accept it?

Not really. Why? You are not at the frequency to be open to receive it. Your problem, stress, or issue creates a block, physically in your body. A headache sore spot at times, an illness. It is communicating with you for you to stop or start something yet you ignore it until it becomes critical.

Stay with me.

The Chinese of course set us up with the existence of meridians. Those meridians confirm pathways. Not just pathways, optimum function pathways . Think about it. Your are electrical and every day we are hooked up to any machines at a doctor’s office or anywhere try telling me you are not electrical? Then what are they recording  coming from your body?

So here it is. EFT Emotional Freedom Techniques. This technique clears the stress the pathways, the issues, one by one. It makes the fuse box work. It starts with the MPI of your choice. MPI = most pressing issue.

Today is 2/11/2013 I am starting today to become the best me I all ready am, now open to receive to what I ask for from my heart and soul. Watch me make it happen. MPI most pressing issue #1 financial stability, security, safety, above and beyond discretionary income. Wealthy. Watch me…

King Arthur / Lancelot Syndrome

Love gives and gives some more... Lust takes and takes some more. 

I will always show my support and you can count on me to what you say is important to you. Why do you think  you should treat me differently? Why is what is important to me not matter to you? That is not fair. Be fair

Most  women have what I call the King Arthur, Lancelot syndrome. You stay with Arthur as he brings the highest most noblest ideas and goals from our lives and helps guide them to fruition. We must have this . This is essential to our brain functions and hearts to function well. The ONE. The one who you know if you were sick would carry you, wipe you, feed you love you, sail a thousand ships for you. Arthur.

Then there is Lancelot. You know the one you are drawn to... that insatiable power, desire to be one with him. He can  have some Arthur qualities but your body mind must have this man. Often is preferable and possible.

So herein lies the conflict with many of us women. How can we ever be happy with both? Can we have both? 

Men do it all the time. They have Mistress they bang but will not leave their wives. Some actually respect both, each has their function. Problems occur when one attempts  to step away from the  role she has agreed to play and now wants to be the wife, or the wife tries to act like the mistress.

The same rules  apply to us as women with the King Arthur-Lancelot syndrome.  Which one do we choose? Which one will gives us ultimate happiness? While waiting for Mr. Both do we accept our fates and throw  the towel for the good guy in and  play with the bad boy? 

Here are some life rules that will help. Lancelot is not the bad boy. In fact he gives you a sense of calm and pleasure as essential to your well being as understanding is.Can you have both? Yes. Treat Arthur like the bad boy ( if you are attracted to him ). A smart man is easier to convince than one who thinks primarily with their loins . Get him to play ball (LOL) . Change the frequency up a bit.

It will be easier to convince a smart good man to be more like your lover than to get Lancelot to convert to best friend ,smart man mode.  

You can if you wish be risky and have both. Arthur will not take well if he finds out. Lancelot hates himself in the morning but bangs you over again. 

While healing from this syndrome we as women must remember that men have been doing this for centuries. They are good at it. We are just taking baby steps to getting what we want and need.

History has shown that King  Henry made all efforts to make Ann Bolin his queen , which is what she wanted. And? off came the neck anyway. 

How badly do you want Lancelot that you will risk losing Arthur? Only you can make that decision.

KARMA

KARMA

I was giving serious thought to how I feel about what karma is and if and when it is a as others understand , the culmination of effects for said acts, deeds, frequency boomerangs.

So far deep in my soul I feel that we must at times be Thor. You know the one with the hammer who pounds on things. Well at times we are the KARMA we are the one chosen out of so many to exhort, give and punish the one  who deserves it. To walk away when you have been chosen to be THE KARMA  is seriously wrong. To indulge yourself with excuses as “ well they will get theirs” hey  have you ever thought that that means you? You are the one who is meant to be the karma. Not for a second should you quiver in letting them have it if and when you feel the Thor in your soul. I have felt the Thor in my soul and my hammer has hit hard. To be less do less is a cowardly.

I am reminded at times how a man feels when he walks away from a fight. Do you honestly think he is not kicking the other guys ass in his head and regretting not punching his lights out? He is.There is only Yoda, " Do or do not, there is no try". Spending endless time wondering if only you had is worse to your soul  and self esteem than if you did it ..done . All that regret creates angst. And that angst hammers your soul over and over, you literally punish yourself for the acts of others. Does that make sense? Nope.

Then there is the smug feeling when the one whose done you wrong gets it. Come on ..admit it you feel good they got there's right? The frequency fallen must crawl right? Well sometimes. Seriously there have been unfortunate things happening to seemingly good people. I have seen this over the years and have come to this conclusion: Its all related to your inner outer state, your chit chat, how you speak to yourself and and expect of yourself. When it happens to innocent beings who cannot protect themselves I have yet to find answers so my response is to be THOR, to protect them or myself.

The smirk on my face when others get it is priceless. It looks like the smug smile on Harold from Harold and Maude movie after he finally manages to get a reaction from his narcissistic mother after he tries to commit suicide over and over to get her to care about him as much as himself. What Harold finally did in the movie was to just do what makes him happiest, regardless as to how weird , morbid or gross it appeared to others. this is where he raised his frequency by loving an 80 year old woman who has come to appreciate life. Harold's whole life had been morbid, seeking death. He now finds his love, an 80 year old woman who loves and appreciates life.  Harold's karma: To love and be grateful of his and the life of others ,all living entities, music, plants. See when you stop being concerned at times about teaching a lesson to the other person and just enjoying your life and screw them that is when magic happens too. That is the moment that you free yourself and they , the karma poopie traitor grabs his/her ankles and gets it in the backside elbow first. Yeah now that's a visual to soothe a "done wrong to me song". LOL 

Lets look at the pretend to be nice to those that hurt you thing instaed of letting them have it. All that honey and nice nice  will get you spice and goodies , benefits etc  is a crock. You can “pretend the sugar and nice and spice “, which is what most hypocrites do and cause more harm than good. I would rather be Thor , swift , pound and to the point, no mercy. Only a God can use Thors hammer , and I am that God at times. Just like Jesus who threw them out of the temple this is the me, the justified, they are going to get it and hell no I am not waiting for their karma.. I AM THEIR KARMA.

To psycho roommates like Leann in Arizona,, pretend friends ( they know who they are) , ex boyfriends, ex coworkers who stood for nothing are good for nothing. I say look out  I am back and you will get it. No threat, promise.  

After its all done I have  moments watching lace butterflies soothe my  soul . Amen I have done this. Lace butterflies fluttering in my mind, before  my eyes and calming me the hell down. Oddles of colorful butterflies with lace like wings in beautiful patterns .It is in these reflective moments that maybe all seems right with the world and energy is moving in joyful dancing . I dance my victory. I dance with the butterflies knowing I made no excuses, I was the one, the one and only who could teach them not to cross those boundaries again.

Chapter 2 -The Food bank -Meeting Madia

CHAPTER 2

THE FOOD BANK- Meeting Madea

This was a crisis and stepping up to the food plate was next base.

Obama’s campaign helped me feel good about myself and kept me busy. After Obama’s election it was time for me to return from the “elation of the nation” and return to my own personal reality, the same reality that was unwelcomed and unwillingly sadly shared by millions, I was now standing in a food line.

As I stood in line many thoughts crossed my mind about how I got here, what could I have done different to not wind up here? I appeased myself as I looked around by thinking this was just for now.

In the food line there was no masquerade. Well dressed folks that were hungry, poor dressed folks that were hungry. Somehow we all managed to feel a sweet camaraderie amongst us. The lady in front of me had been standing in line since 7am it was now 8:30 am and she told me they promised none of us would be turned away. That brought me joy since my hours at work were cut to 3 days a week and I was eating scraps and top ramen for a few weeks.

Oralie, a lady standing in line behind me who was only working part time was telling me about a full time job at Austin radiology for telephone work. She said she could not do this herself but wanted me to have it. I thought what a sweetie...looking out for a perfect stranger that felt not so perfect standing in a food line.

She was a well spoken lady. A year ago she said” I worked three jobs and always had plenty of money. It took its toll on my health and now instead of taking care of my sister and her kids, they are taking care of me.” She said Obama is our hope but why are they bailing out the Auto industries when we all need so much help?

Why don’t they give everybody that pays their taxes a $1000 bucks just to help them out? At least people could stop living in their cars or keep their apartments. I laughed out loud. I said “if there was a way I’m sure OBAMA would make it happen. Weeks later after the election this came true, taxpayers were given a hefty refund.

 Years ago with my good resume and charm I was able to score any job, anywhere. So what has happened? I thought about Tyler Perry and his Madea character who said in one of his movies:

“Life, life has happened to me and these new friends standing with me.

Now I was only number 39, waiting in a food line.

Mama Mabel a little lady standing in line with me whose husband had been on disability used to baby sit for working mothers to make extra money. Only now she was babysitting for free most of the time as some of the mothers simply could not afford to pay her for child care. I wondered what a kind, noble selfless person she was. She talked to me about better days when her husband was working and they had a car. She spoke of her old beat up Chevy that got towed and she could not afford to get back as they did not have the money to get it out. So, I offered to give her a ride home afterwards.

It was time to go in and my ex boyfriend Harry had gone in first. Harry was greeted by a worker at the food bank that appeared so familiar to him. Suddenly they both remembered each other. Years ago Harry had hired her for the newspaper when he was the ad director. She said “Harry, what are you doing here” He answered, “I am here because I need to be.” He sure did, he had two kids and had taken in a third that was put out in the streets. I was proud of him, he did not flinch an eye nor was he prideful.

He got his groceries and was beaming with joy. He turned to me and smiled and said," Baby they gave me nine bags of food and I am so happy .” I smiled back and waited for my number. This was not a time for ex husbands or ex boyfriend’s adversity. This was a crisis and we all had to help each other. As he walked away I promised to go to the other banks for him and share with him whatever I got.

Harry, a most brilliant, eloquent man used to be the ad director for 20 years of the most read newspaper in Austin. He changed jobs and was trying to sell Internet marketing programs now at about $10,000 a piece. He had made plenty of money before but on a global scale people were not too keen on forging out $10,000 dollars right now to buy the programs he was selling. He had no sales and no money.

It was time for me to get my food gifts. As they were filling my bags with food and items I started sobbing and the tears flowed all over my plastic grocery bags. The volunteer at the food bank threw her arms around me. She knew I was not used to this. She knew I was so grateful.

The following day I was at another food bank and there were hundreds of people waiting. I patiently waited and volunteered my time as a Spanish interpreter for the others that did not speak English. They were grateful to have me. It is true when you give of yourself to help others miracles happen.

There I met Billy and his wife. Billy and I started talking and he said he was there because he was a trucker, but was short $107.00 to get his towing license back. I swear if I had had it I would have given it to him right then and there.

Billy asked me if I had ever done dispatching and I said, sure, yes I have. He got on his cell phone and called Marco where he used to work to get me an interview. I spoke with Marco and he was impressed. He said” come fill out an application” and I will immediately put you to work.”

It is true when you give of yourself to help others miracles happen.

You know how long it has been since an employer just hired me outright? I loved this. No waiting two or more weeks and wondering who I had to impress. No nights wondering “will you choose me”?  I have an interview tomorrow morning. Wish me luck I said to Billy.

My mind started to wonder as I waited in the hot sun, what would happen if Madea and I were standing at the food bank? I started to daydream…….

Madea and I at the food bank

I met Madea at the food bank and we started talking. Immediately she went into her take on this economy. She mentioned how her Brother Joe’s check was delayed from social security. How she counted on it for food for her and her kids. She said the house was paid for but the rest of her money went into bailing herself out. What I said? Bail yourself out? From where?

“From Jail girl”, she said.

I was at the socially secure office last week,” she said. I told them how to run this depressant economy.   They did not take too kindly to my carrying in my piece of steal, my gun, in my purse. I  wasn’t gonna shoot anyone, I  just wanted to find out when I  would get my brother Joe’s check and if I could get a social secure card for Sammy ( Sammy was one of her kids she took care of). I did not have his birth certificate and was just trying to get him his socially secure card so he could get a part time job at Wal-Mart.

The lady at the social secure office asked me for legal proof to get Sammy’s social security card. “What the hell do I need that fur” I said to the lady at the window, I am the one feeding him now.  This is to help him and his sick mama who is also livin in my house too.

Madea tried to explain that Sammy’s mama had taken ill and could not be there. The lady at the social security window had no compassion. She called the security guard on her before she had a chance to explain and they hauled her off to jail, impounded her stolen car Sammy had given her as a gift, some gift.

They let her out on bail as she said she had 4 kids living in her house that were put out on the streets she now was taking  care of.

One of the kids had just cleaned himself up from using crack. His father used to beat him. His name was Marlo. Madea told me how she beat the hell out of his father and took his son with her to her house.

“Anyone who beats up on kids deserves to have their ass whooped “she said.

When Marlo came to live at Madea’s house the first few days he would change in the bathroom where there was a lock. Madea noticed this and saw Marlo always wearing the same vest under his clothes. So she took him shopping for clothes that afternoon. Marlo almost went into the girl’s bathroom and was so embarrassed. Madea knew. She knew he was transgender. She said “I don’t care if you want to be a Giraffe I still love you the same. To me you are whoever you want to be.” Her caring loving eyes brought tears to Marlo. “You know”, Marlo said. “Yes baby I knew from the beginning, now go on and get you some boy clothes if that makes you happy.” Marlo was transgender and his father beat him because of this.

The other two kids now living with her she found in the streets stealing purses. They made the big mistake of trying to steal Madea’s purse. Tiandra and April tried to steal Madea’s purse. Madea grabbed her and her sister by the scruff of their necks and made them return it.

What the hell were you thinking trying to steal my purse? I got the good sense to knock you….

“Please maam I was just trying to feed my little sister”. Said Tiandra. She looked at their little faces.

“What are you doing here on the streets”, its dangerus out here. Tiandra said their mother had died and their father was an alcoholic who beat them every chance he could. That they ran away at 10 and 13. Sadly Tiandra said she tried hooking for a while to feed her sister but when it got too dangerous Tiandra was afraid they would rape her little sister April. So they took to stealing purses instead. Good hearted Madea had heard enough. She took them in and had both back in school now.

Samuel, the 4^th of Madea’s kids was a car thief and a good one. His mother had raised him and when she got sick Sammy took to stealing cars. He met Madea at the hospital where she was volunteering part time to feed the patients.

One day as she was coming out of the hospital pantry she spotted Samuel stealing meds for his mom. By now his mother with no health insurance was in constant pain and was barely eating.

What the hell do you think you’re doing? She said. Samuel tried to run but Madea slapped him across the head and knocked him down. As she was ready to turn him in the hospital guard she noticed he was very young and his eyes spoke clearly he was not on drugs. How old are you son? I am 15 he said. “Why the hell are you stealing drugs?” For my mom he said, she has no health insurance. What?  Said Madea!

He started to tell her his story. How his dad had left them when he was 6 yrs old. His mother was the only one working until she got sick and lost her job. She had health insurance for a while but they refused to pay for her meds and afterwards for her treatment. She could not afford cobra insurance. He would get a job if he was old enough but no one believed he was 17 yrs old yet and he had no social security card. His mother had gotten aids from his dad years ago and was in a lot of pain constantly. All he could do was to learn to steal and work on cars. That is the only thing he knew to do. A big smile came over Madea’s face and she said.

“Let’s go get your mama. I will help ya.” I have an old car you can do mechanical on.

She said to me. “These are all good kids “she said. “Each and every one of them.” I know damn well I’ll never get to deduct them off my taxes cause I tried last week and the government, the I ER S last week asked me if I was on medication when I had to explain why I deducted 4 kids  as depending on me. They asked me if I was on medication. “What the hell do you think I told them “she said? The only medicated person here is you, you dumb ass government zombies who don’t know that it is a jungle out there and these children are my responsibility now, they need me. They escorted her out screaming profanities at the I ER SS office. 

She turned to me and asked me.”So what is your story, why the hell are you standing out here, you look like you belong in an office or somethin”.  I laughed and told her my story. How years ago I had stopped fighting for custody of my kids cause their dad made more money than I did and he had more expensive lawyers. I did not ever want them to be hungry or want for nothing. I said that I had since been trying to get back to Oregon but could not make enough money to do it. I told her that in my 20 year old Subaru car were the pictures of my kids on my steering column. That I moved to my car so that I could get back to them. I explained about the custody battles. How I loved them so much that I had to allow them to be with their daddy until the time came for me to give them the best of me. I was on a path and this path held too many dangers and instability for them. In my soul I knew I was somebody and I would never give up until I made a contribution to this world.

 “Now stop right there”. She said. “You are somebody all ready. You are the mother of those children and that makes you a somebody. They don’t care if you come back with a lot of money, a job or anything. All your children want is their mama. “ I said I did not have a home to give them, or a place to cook for them if I went back now.

 “Believe in yourself Lilly and the Lord will provide.” Be grateful that you have an ex-husband who loves your children so much he takes care of them. Hell, so many men out there just abandon their kids. “

I took to heart what she said.

Number 32. Madea’s number came up. As she went in to get her bags of groceries I was praying to myself for a miracle. I was praying that Madea would get more than enough food for her and her adopted kids. I also prayed for myself for a miracle. That I would return to my kids in Oregon with more than enough money to get me there, get a nice small house that was mine where I could hold my head up high and cook great food for my kids. I had prayed that my book I was writing would be published.

Number 39, they yelled out. I went in and got my groceries. As I was taking my groceries to my wagon I saw Madea waiting. I said “Madea are you ok? “ She said yeah. I was waiting for you to give me a ride because my car was towed. I smiled and told her I would be more than happy to do that. I drove her to her house and she asked me to spend the night on her sofa.

It was so nice to be in a house and not sleep in my car. I barely got any sleep cause uncle Joe’s snoring and farting kept me awake. I put the pillow over my head so I did not have to smell him or hear him.

I hugged the pillow to my head and imagined I was at a fancy hotel, a bathroom, hot water, I was in heaven.

In the morning Madea chuckled to herself when I came in the kitchen. She said she was sorry but had read my folder I left on the coffee table. How long you been written this? I said for about a year. “It’s pretty good,” she said.” So when you gonna make a book or movie?"  I ‘m not sure. I have to get a publisher first. I said.

Then go get one. A publicchure. You know what; I know this man called Tyler. He is a personal friend of mines. I said really? She said “yes. And I will hook you up with him so that he reads your story. He will love it as much as I do. I smiled, “Thanks Madea.”

Hey Lilly do you remember the election of Obama? Yeah, I voted for him. I said.

Well I waited 5 hours to vote for OBAAMA. I had brought my chair and sat down until it was my turn to vote. Her chair she said had “You better VOTE for OBAMA or I will whoop yo ass.  I laughed out loud and told her how my vote was a “conditional vote” even though I was registered. They said they would have to review my vote.

Renew what the hell? She said. “Are you old enough to vote”, “yes “I said, “Were you registered in time? ““Yes”, I said. “Then why the hell did they make your vote contritional? “I said I did not know but an actor in New York had the same problem and he got lawyers to force them to accept his vote.

Why the hell didn’t you”. I said “I am not a lawyer but I had always dreamed of becoming one.” I said that although my credit was good it was not enough, and I had no scholarship.

That’s ok baby, she said. You can be anything you want to be. OBAMA SAYS THERE WILL BE LOTS OF JOBS THAT PAY WELL. Maybe you can get you a job as an assistant to one of them lawyerse . Then you can study “on the line” , you know, at night on the computer, the intranet. That’s a good idea. I thought.

There’s all kinds of schools for working folks. Maritza my neighbor, she studied one of them online schools  and now she works at a fancy dentist office. 

Or go get you a job at one of them colleges that pay for your lawyese school. There’s a few of em .

What kinda law do you want to be special in?  “Alternative energy. Yet with the job market right now I was not quite sure how I would break into that field. “

Well just your luck girl. I heard that Obama has lots of jobs coming up in that. I have an idea.

If you want to go to law school then do that, if you want to learn alternative energy then do that. Just don’t do both at the same time. One first, then the other. Let God help you then get out of your own way.

“Why do you want to go to law school anyway?” Said Madea. I said “because I love to win and make money.  I said I was smart and just wanted the chance to prove it to myself.

Madea said, “Going to lawyers school is something you do because you love it. Not all lawyers make a lot of money. You got to want to love what you do to be good in it.  Right now with all this global planet stuff about warming they could use your help with energy ideas.

 “Look at it like this”, said Madea, “maybe you can do this energy thing and become one of them environ-mentally  lawyers. That way you can do both. “ I said, “I wish I had thought of that.”

She said “baby don’t you ever give up on your dream. The minute you think it is hard it will be, the minute you make up your mind that that is what you really want then God will find a way. Pray Baby. ““First I have to get there, back to my kids”, I said. “I was hoping to get there with my old Subaru but she’s too old to make it back.

“Then you walk there if you have to. She got out her calculator and was figuring out how many days, weeks and months it would take me to walk to Oregon. I laughed . Ooh whoooo she said as her fingers hit the calculator. Okay it is exactly  2072 miles, and you can get there in 28 days and five hours , pack you some food and..See you could be there next month.

I smiled. Ok I will walk if I have too. I smiled and was seriously considering this.